May's Botanical Heavy Hitters: Four Plants That Make Me Forget About Taxes and Existential Dread

May's Botanical Heavy Hitters: Four Plants That Make Me Forget About Taxes and Existential Dread

Ah, May. The month where the ground thaws, the sun shows up to the party, and plants desperately scream for my attention. It's like an audition for "Botanical America's Got Talent" out here. And believe me, these chlorophyll-filled contenders know how to put on a show. So, let's talk about four of my go-to flora for this season—plants that can distract you from the grim reality of your taxes and that creeping existential dread.

Cornus alternifolia "Argenta"

First up, we've got Cornus alternifolia "Argenta," which, despite sounding like something you'd name a mythological goddess, is actually the "Variegated pagoda dogwood." This beauty hails from Asia, with a silhouette reminiscent of a sacred Chinese tower—because why not add a bit of spirituality to your garden chaos?

Standing tall at nearly 9 feet with a spread of 6 feet, this deciduous shrub (or miniature tree, if you're feeling fancy) will be throwing down some clusters of star-shaped yellowish-white flowers real soon. And then—because life is all about change—blue-black fruits will take their place. The leaves are a bright green edged in yellow, turning a sultry reddish-purple in the fall. Basically, it's the plant equivalent of having a wardrobe that evolves with the seasons.

Now, here's the kicker: If you want this botanical marvel to reach its full potential, you better give it all the sun it craves. Trust me, it'll lord over your garden in a sophisticated, non-tyrannical way—a rare giant that won't make you regret giving it a home. Sure, it might not be at every garden center, but that's why phones were invented; dial up a supplier and get ready to wait. It's worth it.

Kolkwitzia amabilis "Pink Cloud"

Next, strutting down the garden runway is Kolkwitzia amabilis "Pink Cloud," aka the "Beauty bush." This deciduous diva from China grows swiftly to about 9 feet tall and a little wider, like that uncle who always gets seconds at Thanksgiving. Its old-fashioned mounded look is more "vintage chic" than "outdated eyesore," but sadly, it doesn't get enough love in modern gardens.

During its three-week flower fest, expect a carnival of bell-shaped pink flowers with yellow throats—imagine a drunken Pisa tower, but pretty. These bloom amongst oval grey-green leaves on arching branches that look like they're doing a slow, dramatic bow.

A "Beauty bush" requires at least four hours of sunlight and soil that's got a bit of lime or alkalinity. Think of it as needing a sun-soaked brunch with a side of Bloody Marys. If you're scouting for a specimen shrub or something substantial to fill the rear of your flower bed, don't ignore this old favorite. Sometimes, the stuffy aristocrats of the plant world surprise you.

Ribes sanguineum

Moving on, we've got Ribes sanguineum, better known as the "Flowering Currant." This deciduous shrub can also reach up to 9 feet in height and width. Originating from the good ol' U.S. of A., it's like the Bruce Springsteen of plants—tough, frost-hardy, and not afraid of a little chaos.

Right now, it's flaunting clusters of reddish-pink flowers that look like someone hung mini grape bunches on it for a laugh. The light green leaves provide a nice contrast and are also scented, especially when you crush them—which, let's be honest, can be oddly satisfying.

"Flowering Currant" can hold its own in mixed borders as a spectacular specimen plant. You want some cut flowers for the house? They're good for 6-10 days, enough time for you to procrastinate throwing them out. Position it in full-to-partial sun, keep it hydrated, and you're golden. It doesn't even mind a bit of air pollution, making it the perfect plant for our apocalyptic future. Look out for varieties like "Pulborough Scarlet" and "King Edward VII"—they sound like they come with a butler.

Alyssum saxitile

Finally, the little powerhouse known as Alyssum saxitile, or the "Basket of gold." This perennial from Europe stands no more than 8 inches high and spreads about a foot wide, proving that size isn't everything. It's evergreen and drought-tolerant, making it the Chuck Norris of plants—indestructible and always ready for action.

For the next four weeks, it's sporting clusters of tiny yellow flowers above its grey-green leaves, like it's having its own miniature sun. Ideal for cracks in paving, wall crevices, or a rockery, it thrives wherever you'd think nothing should. Needs free-draining soil and at least four hours of sunlight—simple demands for such a rewarding plant.

If you're all about that butterfly life, plant Alyssum everywhere and prepare for airborne guests—because nothing screams "I'm coping" like watching butterflies frolic amongst golden blooms.

So there you go. Four plants, each vying for my attention, each with their own little quirks and charms. In the grand scheme of things, they're a small respite from life's relentless grind and a reminder that sometimes, in the dirt and toil, there's beauty worth waiting for.